So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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