i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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