this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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