Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
and you fell through a lawn chair
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
