you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
