Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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