Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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