What a fucking waste of an outfit
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
