FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
