well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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