he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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