I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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