I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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