He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
