Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
