i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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