my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
