i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
