Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
