"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
It's official drugs can't kill me
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
