then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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