Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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