Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
