I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Operation Purity has been aborted
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
