i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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