here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He felt like a one man threesome
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
