my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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