i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
