I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
