My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
