if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
