it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
