my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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