i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
