My girlfriend figured out who you are.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
