god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
