she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
