I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
