wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
