The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
