Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
