I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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