I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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