Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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