I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
