As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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