Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
