I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
