I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
