Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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